The SCP Foundation

secure, contain, protect

A little while ago I started writing some things for the SCP Foundation, a fun little wiki with a creepypasta origin that now contains a truly kick-ass community of writers with an aim towards honest, strong criticism that makes the articles as strong as they can be.

Articles on the site revolve around the fictional “Foundation”, an organization dedicated to containing and hiding information about anomalous objects or activities. They’re short pieces of fiction, essentially, using the trappings of clinical documentation to tell some weird, compelling, unique genre tales.

You can find the ones I’ve written so far (three, at present) at my spankin’-new author’s page HERE. For reference, they include:

I also enjoyed the lovely experience of discussing one of my articles on the Site-42 livestream; you can watch a recording of that here.

fun times, folks

one day I will be timely

you can buy another book that has a couple of my poems in it.

this time it’s Castabout Literature, the September 2019 edition:

will be posting a little later this week with some other writing-related news that, as with this publication, is hopelessly out of date. let this serve as a record of things that happened a while ago but, in the grand scheme of the universe, may as well happened ten microseconds ago


three (3) of my poems are in the latest issue of GRAVITAS, a wonderful poetry magazine that you can buy on Amazon right now:

it’s so pretty

it’s truly insane that I’ve had my work appearing across such a variety of spaces, online and print, over the past few months. seeing my name in print in such a beautiful collection, alongside such other talents and distinguished bylines, is an honor beyond comprehension.

thanks to anyone who would have the inclination to read, to enjoy, to support.

simple life hacks

plug your high-speed blender into the computerwhat if mops, but too much
or the other way around

and use one to generate cryptocurrency
that you can invest in the other one

three rubber bands can serve in place
of an entire orchestra, if you wrap them

around a cell phone and point the speaker
at a microphone

mop the floor with your face
to save the time you’d need to clean the bristles

and when you do clean the bristles,
use your teeth

fingernails are god’s jewelry, so why not
string your clippings onto thread

and sell them on etsy
(charge extra for the thick ones)

wear sunglasses, all the time. your eyes
are important; they are the, uh, eyes of the soul

be heard in a room by wearing a cloak
and boasting like a victorian-era creep

become wiser faster by taking naps
that don’t end

say something meaningful by saying nothing
over and over, until someone else starts talking

rationale (or: hey isn’t that kind of what braid’s about)

with apologies to harris bomberguy and his loved onesthe key to a lover’s heart
is to defeat the red dragon Gilgamesh
and present its beating heart
to the child of the King,

who will stare into its beating gore
and declare:
“jesus dude that’s, ew,

that’s gross, I don’t even,
why did you bring that here,
what is wrong with you”

and then they will slap you
and you’ll deserve it
because doing something hard
is not a positive character trait,

and a human being is not a prize

(I apologize to those who were offended
by the previous poem; as a gamer
you have an identity that demands respect

the way body odor demands deodorant,
even when those demands are ignored

(I apologize for the above subpoem;
you smell perfectly fine
except in the metaphorical sense

(the thinnest skin is the palest;
translucent to the sharp bone
and prone to scarring)



PRO TIP: push up and start to skip the cutscene
and glitch through the floor;
keep falling until it feels like this was all
someone else’s fault

forever nibbling nervously at the gristle
beneath your fingernails


build your plumber to flush
toilets with the lid closed,
to hide his shame from prying ears

with twenty more minutes of effort I might have superimposed him on the old gif, but this will dobuild your plumber to plant
tulips on his neighbor’s doorstep
then wait to meet her with a smile
that hangs on a beat too long

build your plumber to jump
at coins to hoard in a safe-deposit box;
not even his wife has the code

build your plumber bigger
than his brothers, but softer
in the fleshy places, more prone
to cry when struck by words

build your plumber smaller
than the ashtrays he leaves behind
when chain-smoking through his crises
of European existentialism

or else, build your plumber
however you want; mine’s just me
with a fluffed mustache
and my three-foot vertical leap

bounding at the void
beyond the scrolling barrier,
in anticipation of the flagpole

Shaq Fu 2K19: Ben Shapiro Edition

(a poem.)

cmug shot; or, "the pictionary clue was 'asshole'"an a youtube debate go so poorly


that its loser gets dunked on hard enough

to drive him down to the earth’s core

at such velocity that the planet’s gravitational center


shifts, tilting toward his dunk-slammed sternum

and compacting him, under the tremendous sudden pressure,

into the shape and rough texture of a diamond?


if so,

then there might be some value to the enterprise

after all

thoughts on METROID FUSION

I just pulled my old game boy advance out of cold storage and played metroid fusion, a game I have not seen or played in 15 years or so oh God time is a flat circle

anyway, here are some random assorted thoughts on this little gem:

-it’s so short! my play-through included many, many stupid deaths because I’ve grown bad and lazy at video games, and I still beat it in under 4 hours.

-what’s interesting about the GBA 2D metroid games, in contrast to their three SNES/NES/GB counterparts, is that they have all the mechanics and visual flair of the series but almost none of its soul.

this isn’t really a bad thing — they have a different soul, really, which is that of narratively-driven linear video gaming with gated progress and clear interstitial objectives. exploration is limited to finding extra trinkets and not a fundamental aspect of game play or storytelling.

it’s more notable with Zero Mission, which took a game that was explicitly “you have no idea where you are or what you are doing. begin!” and turned it into a much more straightforward follow-the-objective platformer.

this is sort of the progression zelda was on, too, before BOTW pushed back hard on that trend.

-lord do I not care for the Navigation Room exposition; I’m not even talking about the spell-out-your-objective stuff, it’s the Adam storyline that grates on me. it doesn’t take up too much space, ultimately, but it’s still far more than I needed for something that never meant anything emotionally or narratively

this guy still sucks and I hate him and he’s gross

-switching to clear positives: the visual detail in this game is so awesome; it’s one of the real shining stars of the game boy advance hardware. full of visual storytelling and 16-bit sci-fi atmosphere

-cool little world-building detail: the ice X blobs attack you aggressively when you’re weak to them, and continue doing so for the first few rooms after you get the varia suit, but after a little while they start to realize they’re not hurting you anymore and then they try to run away after that.

-the whole “samus has been infected by X” thing is silly from a narrative standpoint but brilliant for the gameplay. it’s totally unnecessary to explain why/how power ups exist in a game like this, but having those power-ups simultaneously be living things that are your enemy but which you can absorb to heal yourself is a really cool dynamic

it adds a little dynamism to every room how they can re-form into enemies if you don’t absorb them quickly enough. the game even toys with this mechanic later on, though not as much as it probably could have

-so much of this game is just tweaking super metroid, which is both clever and a little disappointing. so many of the enemies are retreads, which is both sensible from the narrative premise and also means most of the climactic battles are hollow echoes of a much more intriguing game

like, the SA-X doing the metroid hatchling self-sacrifice thing is completely inexplicable except as a callback; ridley’s appearance is fun but gratuitous; for a game that starts by blowing up samus’s suit they really do not stray at all from the formula in terms of weaponry.

all that said, it’s a very polished take on the formula, and I still love it. it’s honestly hard to play the SNES game after all the refinement that’s come in its wake.

-the X themselves are a moderately interesting, if fairly tried-and-true, sci-fi villain. sort of a borg-flubber merger.

-it is so bizarre and Japanese-family-friendly that the game’s progressive reward system for beating it quickly, with all the stuff, etc. is to give you pictures of Samus that range from “person wearing a full-body spacesuit” to “mildest cheesecake”, but I guess this is pre-Zero Suit we’re talking about