simple life hacks

plug your high-speed blender into the computerwhat if mops, but too much
or the other way around

and use one to generate cryptocurrency
that you can invest in the other one

three rubber bands can serve in place
of an entire orchestra, if you wrap them

around a cell phone and point the speaker
at a microphone

mop the floor with your face
to save the time you’d need to clean the bristles

and when you do clean the bristles,
use your teeth

fingernails are god’s jewelry, so why not
string your clippings onto thread

and sell them on etsy
(charge extra for the thick ones)

wear sunglasses, all the time. your eyes
are important; they are the, uh, eyes of the soul

be heard in a room by wearing a cloak
and boasting like a victorian-era creep

become wiser faster by taking naps
that don’t end

say something meaningful by saying nothing
over and over, until someone else starts talking

rationale (or: hey isn’t that kind of what braid’s about)

with apologies to harris bomberguy and his loved onesthe key to a lover’s heart
is to defeat the red dragon Gilgamesh
and present its beating heart
to the child of the King,

who will stare into its beating gore
and declare:
“jesus dude that’s, ew,

that’s gross, I don’t even,
why did you bring that here,
what is wrong with you”

and then they will slap you
and you’ll deserve it
because doing something hard
is not a positive character trait,

and a human being is not a prize

(I apologize to those who were offended
by the previous poem; as a gamer
you have an identity that demands respect

the way body odor demands deodorant,
even when those demands are ignored

(I apologize for the above subpoem;
you smell perfectly fine
except in the metaphorical sense

(the thinnest skin is the palest;
translucent to the sharp bone
and prone to scarring)



PRO TIP: push up and start to skip the cutscene
and glitch through the floor;
keep falling until it feels like this was all
someone else’s fault

forever nibbling nervously at the gristle
beneath your fingernails


build your plumber to flush
toilets with the lid closed,
to hide his shame from prying ears

with twenty more minutes of effort I might have superimposed him on the old gif, but this will dobuild your plumber to plant
tulips on his neighbor’s doorstep
then wait to meet her with a smile
that hangs on a beat too long

build your plumber to jump
at coins to hoard in a safe-deposit box;
not even his wife has the code

build your plumber bigger
than his brothers, but softer
in the fleshy places, more prone
to cry when struck by words

build your plumber smaller
than the ashtrays he leaves behind
when chain-smoking through his crises
of European existentialism

or else, build your plumber
however you want; mine’s just me
with a fluffed mustache
and my three-foot vertical leap

bounding at the void
beyond the scrolling barrier,
in anticipation of the flagpole

Shaq Fu 2K19: Ben Shapiro Edition

(a poem.)

cmug shot; or, "the pictionary clue was 'asshole'"an a youtube debate go so poorly


that its loser gets dunked on hard enough

to drive him down to the earth’s core

at such velocity that the planet’s gravitational center


shifts, tilting toward his dunk-slammed sternum

and compacting him, under the tremendous sudden pressure,

into the shape and rough texture of a diamond?


if so,

then there might be some value to the enterprise

after all

Woke Me Up Inside – 9. HELLO and Survival Mechanisms

seriously though this album cover is way better than Evanescence’s actual album covers

Hello: I’m your mind, giving you someone to talk to…

You’ve definitely heard “My Immortal,” but have you listened to “Hello,” otherwise known as the Evanescence piano ballad for real hardcore Evanescence fans? (we call ourselves “Evanesceheads”) (actually even better is the piano/instrumental ballad “Eternal” from Origin, you’ve probably never heard that one, I’m smarter and better than you because I have a functional grasp of Wikipedia and YouTube)

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literalism is bizarre

I’m not really interested in just dunking on some stranger on the internet so I’m gonna keep this vague

okay so there’s this new Apple Homepod ad directed by spike jonze and it is very cool and good and you should watch it and basically just have your eyes cross and unfocus whenever the apple branding shows up:

watched it? ok cool

so on a website I frequent, one of the commenters said something to the effect of this (paraphrased but then quoted so you can parse this rambling a little easier):

so who comes out of the mirror at the end? I think it’s the reflected version of her at the end, gazing at her new place and thinking that she’s not gonna waste her time in the real world like the original

this is such a weird reading to me of an intentionally surreal piece of abstract storytelling (which is what an ad like this is when it transcends to art — it’s almost like a piece of wealthy-patron-supported flash fiction)

do people really watch a thing like this and think of the reflection as a separate entity from the woman, as if it’s not a reflection in the sense of an angle into her inner (not necessarily “actual”) self? what kind of weird-ass horror movie is this where mirrorwoman trapped her original self in a dark no-longer-existent antechamber? how is that at all congruent with the vibe or the emotional storytelling or the pretty not-subtle metaphors (the dancing as unfurling of societal cocoon, the expansion of the mirror and duet as self-acceptance and self-love)?

I feel like people do this a lot with art — they take the most literal superficial interpretation of plot character and events and speculate off of or latch onto that — and I find it utterly strange.

I mean whatever like things however you want and all, sure. but it reminds me of how people watched hannibal and laser-focused on how cute hannibal fucking lecter was and how they wanted hannibal and will to hook up. who watches a show like that — a show that among other things portrays that specific relationship as the most fundamental kind of horrific abuse — and takes that away from it?

the west wing has a subplot I really hate, from the episode “Arctic Radar”, where josh gently-but-patronizingly berates a star trek fan for being public about liking a thing:

the “that’s a fetish” line really bugs the shit out of me because it’s a crazy dismissal of the kind of fandom that allowed the west wing to thrive and allows it to have such a following now. it’s more about aaron sorkin’s hangups about the Internet than it is about any real thing. BUT I think it also bugs me because it accidentally scratches close to a kind of truth that I don’t think aaron sorkin really understands, which is that while fandom is healthy and normal and basically just a modern extension of the human social contract, some/many fans do attach to properties in really weird ways, imposing very personal and odd things in ways that don’t really exist in the original work, edging closer to what could accurately be described as fetishism.

that’s how you get erotic fanfiction of children’s stories and rule 34 I guess but it’s also how you get a style of fandom that’s not quite that obviously askew but falls maybe closer to “recap of show as though all these things are real”. treating fictional situations not as prisms through which we view ourselves but things to be emotionally engaged in of themselves. this is I suppose especially problematic in a time of Marvel™ Cinematic Universe Franchise™s where we get so many damn stories that aren’t about anything except the perpetuation of their own goofy whatevers.

and really honestly I mean this part the most: none of this is really a “problem”, get what you want out of art and do you, fetish or not, thumbs up to all that and anything else. but it sometimes puts me in an awkward position personally, when I want to just interpret the thing from a passionate but also academic vantage point and end up falling into groups that mostly want to pin the thing onto their particular corkboard of personal interests or talk about which characters should bang

ok just needed to say all that somewhere where it wouldn’t spark a fight, back to my regularly scheduled positivity