simple life hacks

plug your high-speed blender into the computerwhat if mops, but too much
or the other way around

and use one to generate cryptocurrency
that you can invest in the other one

three rubber bands can serve in place
of an entire orchestra, if you wrap them

around a cell phone and point the speaker
at a microphone

mop the floor with your face
to save the time you’d need to clean the bristles

and when you do clean the bristles,
use your teeth

fingernails are god’s jewelry, so why not
string your clippings onto thread

and sell them on etsy
(charge extra for the thick ones)

wear sunglasses, all the time. your eyes
are important; they are the, uh, eyes of the soul

be heard in a room by wearing a cloak
and boasting like a victorian-era creep

become wiser faster by taking naps
that don’t end

say something meaningful by saying nothing
over and over, until someone else starts talking

rationale (or: hey isn’t that kind of what braid’s about)

with apologies to harris bomberguy and his loved onesthe key to a lover’s heart
is to defeat the red dragon Gilgamesh
and present its beating heart
to the child of the King,

who will stare into its beating gore
and declare:
“jesus dude that’s, ew,

that’s gross, I don’t even,
why did you bring that here,
what is wrong with you”

and then they will slap you
and you’ll deserve it
because doing something hard
is not a positive character trait,

and a human being is not a prize

(I apologize to those who were offended
by the previous poem; as a gamer
you have an identity that demands respect

the way body odor demands deodorant,
even when those demands are ignored

(I apologize for the above subpoem;
you smell perfectly fine
except in the metaphorical sense

(the thinnest skin is the palest;
translucent to the sharp bone
and prone to scarring)

)

)

PRO TIP: push up and start to skip the cutscene
and glitch through the floor;
keep falling until it feels like this was all
someone else’s fault

forever nibbling nervously at the gristle
beneath your fingernails

mariomaking

build your plumber to flush
toilets with the lid closed,
to hide his shame from prying ears

with twenty more minutes of effort I might have superimposed him on the old gif, but this will dobuild your plumber to plant
tulips on his neighbor’s doorstep
then wait to meet her with a smile
that hangs on a beat too long

build your plumber to jump
at coins to hoard in a safe-deposit box;
not even his wife has the code

build your plumber bigger
than his brothers, but softer
in the fleshy places, more prone
to cry when struck by words

build your plumber smaller
than the ashtrays he leaves behind
when chain-smoking through his crises
of European existentialism

or else, build your plumber
however you want; mine’s just me
with a fluffed mustache
and my three-foot vertical leap

bounding at the void
beyond the scrolling barrier,
laughing
in anticipation of the flagpole

Shaq Fu 2K19: Ben Shapiro Edition

(a poem.)

cmug shot; or, "the pictionary clue was 'asshole'"an a youtube debate go so poorly

 

that its loser gets dunked on hard enough

to drive him down to the earth’s core

at such velocity that the planet’s gravitational center

 

shifts, tilting toward his dunk-slammed sternum

and compacting him, under the tremendous sudden pressure,

into the shape and rough texture of a diamond?

 

if so,

then there might be some value to the enterprise

after all