plug your high-speed blender into the computer
or the other way around
and use one to generate cryptocurrency
that you can invest in the other one
three rubber bands can serve in place
of an entire orchestra, if you wrap them
around a cell phone and point the speaker
at a microphone
mop the floor with your face
to save the time you’d need to clean the bristles
and when you do clean the bristles,
use your teeth
fingernails are god’s jewelry, so why not
string your clippings onto thread
and sell them on etsy
(charge extra for the thick ones)
wear sunglasses, all the time. your eyes
are important; they are the, uh, eyes of the soul
be heard in a room by wearing a cloak
and boasting like a victorian-era creep
become wiser faster by taking naps
that don’t end
say something meaningful by saying nothing
over and over, until someone else starts talking