simple life hacks

plug your high-speed blender into the computerwhat if mops, but too much
or the other way around

and use one to generate cryptocurrency
that you can invest in the other one

three rubber bands can serve in place
of an entire orchestra, if you wrap them

around a cell phone and point the speaker
at a microphone

mop the floor with your face
to save the time you’d need to clean the bristles

and when you do clean the bristles,
use your teeth

fingernails are god’s jewelry, so why not
string your clippings onto thread

and sell them on etsy
(charge extra for the thick ones)

wear sunglasses, all the time. your eyes
are important; they are the, uh, eyes of the soul

be heard in a room by wearing a cloak
and boasting like a victorian-era creep

become wiser faster by taking naps
that don’t end

say something meaningful by saying nothing
over and over, until someone else starts talking